Alone but not lonely. Towards becoming your own best friend.

We live in a world that reinforces the external reward system. Hell, I am writing this blog post to gain external validation from you reading and hopefully liking it. As an extension of this, I hope that you will like me. Social media is possibly the easiest, and by now most commonly used way through which we can receive a feeling of external validation. At least for a moment. Every “like”, “comment” and “mention” helps us feel that little bit better about ourselves. All is well if your update, photo, post or blog post is getting recognized as good by others.

However, what happens if external validation remains absent? We are feeling upset, unsure, angry. Perhaps asking ourselves “Why aren’t they responding?”, “Isn’t this good enough?” or worse “Am I not good enough?”. This is the slipperiest of the slippery slopes. The problem is that it is so easy to get caught up. I am not saying that I am removed from this. I tweet, post on Instagram and publish blog posts here to achieve just that.

Can we (or I) break out of this vicious cycle? I think we (or I) can. At least we can balance it out a little. We can do this by finding internal validation. Here are some tips how we can do it:

• Social media detox: Detox is a term that is often problematic in the realm of nutrition, but when it comes to social media, I think it is appropriate. Social media works on your brain like a drug. You receive instant gratification and validation by clicking some buttons. This is addictive and why you should monitor your consumption well. Stay away from social media for some days, weeks or even months, depending on your addiction. Afterwards ease yourself back in, if you still want to. You might be surprised by how much mental storage, being away from it, can free up.
  
• Understand what external validation gives you, and give it yourself: External validation makes you feel like you belong, like you matter. By finding out what external validation gives you, you can figure out ways to create validation yourself. For example, if you feel sexy and smart by getting positive comments on your social media posts, try telling yourself these things. Positive affirmations, such as
  “I am smart, strong and attractive” have been studied and can be very effective.
  
• Be in the moment. It is easy to get caught up with how you can represent your current activity on social media when you are doing something. Try to focus on what you are doing, how it is making you feel and what else you can do to make this experience even more vivid instead. Be mindful about it. For example, when you are working out, don’t think about how you can “show off” what you have done on social media, instead focus on how you feel stronger over time, whether it makes you happy to practice the activity and perhaps what snack you would like to have afterwards.
  
• Treat yo self! Part of validating yourself for what you are, without external stimuli is being kind to yourself. You are a person deserving of rewards, love and acceptance. You can treat yourself as if you are inherently worthy, because, simply put, you are. By taking out “if-then” thinking when it comes to rewards, and instead making them regular, positive experiences we are able to take out the middle-man and just find gratification from ourselves for ourselves.

I hope that you will find these tips helpful and that they will aid you on your way towards becoming your own best friend, because you are awesome (not that you actually need me to tell you that)!

Photo by Thom Holmes on Unsplash